The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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