I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
