eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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