I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
