I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
