If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?