it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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