I heard we made out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
