I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
