Quick, to the slutcave!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
