Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
