The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
