Me. At least after what I've been through.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
