I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
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You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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