OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
