I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found puke in my bra..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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