we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
