While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
