Jerry, you need to find god
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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