thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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