dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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