I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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