If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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