Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
