oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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