This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
