Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
