At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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