Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
