I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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