the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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