dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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