Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
