Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
