Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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