My sheets look like a crime scene.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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