Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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