Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
