3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
