dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Randomize
