Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
