I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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