Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
