My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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