i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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