all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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