i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Still dying that you shit outside
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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