Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
