How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
