are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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