Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im six kinds of drunk right now
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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