There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And then my night got REAL pukey
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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