Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
