K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
