In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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