Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
is wine microwaveable?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
