you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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