I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
