omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
