checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
